P.O.K.I.S.

April 15, 1996                                       Vol. 1, No. 1

General Information
What's New in Samoa
On the Inside - By a boy in Samoa
Inside Out - Adapting to your son at home
On the Outside - By a boy who's gone home
Letters From Samoa - Initial letters
Dear Ms. Problems - Help solving problems

Cheryl Johnson, Editor of P.O.K.I.S., with husband and son.

This is a monthly newsletter written by parents, for parents of kids in Samoa. Paradise Cove is a residential treatment facility for troubled adolescent boys. It is U.S. based, but located in Western Samoa. We appreciate the staff at Paradise Cove, Brightway, and Teen Help for their invaluable assistance and for the printing and distribution of this newsletter. The newsletter has been edited for Internet to protect confidentiality. If you have any suggestions, comments, or questions, please contact Teen Help at 1-800-355-8336.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Brian V., Program Director of Paradise Cove and author of "Dear Ms. Problems", with wife and children.

Part l: by B.V., program director of Paradise Cove, with occasional comments in italics from me, S.J. I have a son who has been in the program for 13 months, and who is now on Level 3.

The Samoan culture emphasizes a strong family basis. Traditionally, family members are very co dependent, loyal, respectful, and compassionate towards one another. The "family name" is valued more than any worldly possession. Therefore they are very proud people. This family emphasis is reflected in the program, with the boys placed within family groups, and a Samoan staff member as the head, or "father," of each group. The groups function as the boys' families.

Many of the Samoans are still dependent upon the land for food, shelter, and income. Most of the people live in home made huts or fales, made out of coconut trees. There are readily available power and water lines throughout the island. However, the filtration of water is almost non-existent. Therefore, the program has installed filtration systems on the beach and as an added safety precaution, still boils the water. Many parts of the island do not have access to phone lines. The eastern part of the island, where the beaches are located, happens to be one of these.

All of the students on the beaches live in traditional Samoan huts. Like the Samoans, the boys sleep on the floor. Most of the huts have cemented floors with tile over them. All of the boys should arrive in Samoa with an air mattress, sheets, and pillows, which they are allowed to sleep on.

The program provides three well balanced and proportioned meals a day. The meals will at times challenge the boys to adjust to eating local foods like green bananas boiled in coconut cream, fish, breadfruit, coconuts, and papayas. Due to limited availability of imported food items in the country, most meals are served with bread, rice or potatoes.

My son wrote home for several months about the horrible food and about the fact that he was constantly starving. Indeed, he swore that he had all the symptoms of malnutrition, and wondered if my husband (a physician) and myself (a nurse) knew what the symptoms of malnutrition are. He also had diarrhea and no one cared according to him. Well, we visited Samoa and Paradise Cove last Thanksgiving. Contrary to what he had written, not only did he NOT have the symptoms of malnutrition, but he was getting a "pot" on him. We did find though, that diarrhea is indeed common during the time it takes your stomach to adjust to the different dietary system.

Within the first two weeks the program will outfit the student with a standard uniform, which is a lava lava, a traditional Samoan attire. A lava lava is a piece of material that is approximately two yards in length. It is wrapped around the waist. Lava lavas are easy to clean and very comfortable in the hot and humid weather. I found them much more comfortable than my Western attire. The staff also know from experience that most of the boys have images that they portray both with the clothes teenagers currently wear, and with their hairstyles. The program cuts each boy's hair, not only to do away with images, but also to make it easier for your sons to manage.

Is life for the boys really like you saw it in the video? Yes and no. Each student will have an opportunity to experience everything seen in the video. However, those experiences are based on what level your son is on. The video illustrates various off-ground sites that the upper levels (Levels 3 & 4) have an opportunity to visit at some point. What is unknown is whether, and when, every student will apply himself so that he can earn this privilege. The video also shows the beach facilities and the various periods and activities that are included in the daily schedule of all boys.

Part II: by S.J.

J.K. graciously faxed me a four page copy of the daily schedules for the various groups of boys. The schedule will be included in the new parent handbook, so I will just include a brief summary here. The program is very structured, with every moment of the day scheduled, from the time they get up in the morning (about 6:20) until they shut down at night (about 8:30). Activities include school, sports and fitness, spelling, music, educational videos, personal growth tapes, writing progress reports, reading, and Samoan language classes.

Another issue I want to cover is communications with your son. Many, if not most of you, who have had a son in the program for several months, have experienced the agony of trying to communicate. Mail doesn't come for several weeks, and then three or four letters all come at once. Mail delivery operates at a different level than most of us are accustomed to. Be assured that this doesn't mean that your son isn't writing, or that the program isn't sending the letters. It's just that, even when mail is sent AirMail, or Federal Express, it mysteriously takes the slow boat to China before it comes to you. You can improve the process somewhat by faxing letters to your son. Make sure you address them to the attention of his case manager, who will then give them to your son the next time the manager goes to the beach.

Case managers are on the beaches two days a week, and in the office three days a week. The boys aren't allowed to fax back, but turn around time will be cut down by 2-4 weeks. The boys love getting faxes, because news is more current. Remember also to mail packages at least four weeks ahead of holidays or birthdays. It's sad for the boys when everyone else gets a package and they don't. They understand the poor mail system, but it doesn't stop the hurt. Some packages get there in two weeks, and some take longer than four. No one knows why!!! The other thing you can do to improve communication is to call his case manager, who will give messages to your son, and to keep your appointments with S.F. For very new parents, S.F. is the counselor with whom you have a scheduled phone appointment following her return from each Samoa visit.

If there is one hint I can give to help new parents cope, it is to try to stay "mellow," and to not sweat the little things, no matter how big they seem momentarily. What is really important is the fact that your son is growing and changing every day. The program enables them to create a life worth living for themselves. But it takes time. Give them that time and always remember that this is what is really important.

That is not to say that there are not problems that you occasionally need to have resolved. What the problem is determines who you need to contact to get it resolved. School problems can be first discussed with the case manager, but many times they ultimately need to be discussed with Browning Academy. There is a new teacher over in Samoa, and we should receive information soon about when and how to contact him. Problems concerning medications, health, and logistical things can be discussed with the case manager. If it's something bigger, call and talk to the office manager in Samoa, and ask her whether this is something you should discuss with the director or with the assistant director.

I hear there is a support group started by parents in Dallas, for parents of kids in Samoa. Please write to us and let us know how you set that up and how it's working. Many of us feel so in need of support and encouragement.

Finally, if you would like to contribute, offer suggestions, or help with the newsletter, please contact me. There was a Dad from Washington D.C. who offered help at the last Parent Discovery Seminar, also one who talked about putting something on Internet. Could you please contact me?

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WHAT'S NEW IN SAMOA by B.V.

Currently in Samoa we have opened up our new facility. We have developed this facility to accommodate the needs of our students, and also to provide the program an opportunity to introduce changes. These are changes that we believe will provide additional opportunities for our students to challenge and grow from. This expansion provides us with a facility that is closer to town. We are approximately four miles from hospitals, postal services, airports, stores, markets, and many other resources such as McDonalds. One of the immediate reactions that we have experienced with new students was that this was not what was seen on the video. At the moment, we do not have videos, brochures, or materials that can give you an idea as to the appearance of the facility. We are in the process of providing such information. We want to assure you that we will still maintain our beach facility. We are very pleased with the results that we have achieved with our beaches and feel that the students enjoy, for the most part, living on the beach also.

Basically, the new facility consists of ten individual cottages. Each cottage has its own kitchen area, bathroom and living area with a ceiling fan. The grounds have an area in which the boys can play volleyball, exercise or throw a football around. The grounds are surrounded by a fence which ensures privacy and security. Moving into the cottages, like any other move, has its ups and downs. Here in Samoa, you learn real fast how to make the best with what you have. We recommend that parents write, fax, or call their case managers if they have any particular questions about the expansion. If your son is on an upper level, please feel free to ask him if he has been moved to the new facility. If so, what has been his experience?

On March 26th, the Paradise Cove staff welcomed the arrival of our new academic advisor and counselor. Both of them will be residing here in Western Samoa. Having A.D. as the academic advisor and C.P. as our counselor adds a tremendous amount of quality, experience, and new ability. As we define their roles, we will provide parents with information outlining their responsibilities and availability.

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ON THE INSIDE - by current Level 4 boys

Note: I originally envisioned a short letter from one boy. However, we were blessed to receive three beautiful letters, and as I read them, I knew I couldn't cut a thing. Other than simple editing, here they are. I hope you are touched as I was, and realize what a wonderful thing you are doing for your sons by sending them to Samoa.

Letter #1: from D.

Gorgeous sunrises, beautiful sunsets, crystal clear waters, and awesome skies are just the beginning of what life is like in Samoa. Life in Samoa is different. There are many obstacles that are faced daily to gain life skills. Students go throughout the day excelling with themselves. Many recognize the many privileges at home, such as the love that was there. Many more learn of themselves; they once again learn who they are and learn to love and accept themselves. Throughout the stay, students go through two very powerful seminars which have meaningful impact upon students. They learn of various items, such as who they are, accountability, risks, self-confidence, and so on...

Although it is difficult to be so far away from home, boys are able to deal with their problems and issues in a safe environment, easy to change. The environment at the beaches is full of love, excitement, and unity. The students have made it a safe place. While students deal, they have the assistance of others, as well as Samoan staff who care and love. Moreover, Samoa is a break from society, as well as a time out from everyday life. It is an opportunity to think and "wake up."

I have achieved Level 4, and have come a far way in my recovery. I have made dramatic changes in my life. I have come to be myself once more and have learned to love and accept myself unconditionally. I have dropped the games of a taker, and am a giver. But most importantly, I have dropped my old ways. I am involved in youth leadership to (?) with myself and others. I have learned many life skills to help me.

Life on the beach is wonderful. Students enjoy a variety of volleyball or swimming. Every night, a movie is played or the students play leisure education and singing. The beach environment is fun, as well as difficult. For students it becomes a home away from home. Parents are a big help in recovery. Parents can help by writing encouraging letters, showing a lot of love. Parents can also help by communicating as often as possible. It also helps to set standards and expectations. This is life in Samoa.

Life in Samoa has been a big challenge for me. I have lived here for almost eight months, and I like what I have seen. Samoa is different from the states; I have realized all the things I have taken for granted in life, and I have seen how the Samoans' culture is like compared to the states. Samoa is a very organized island and everyone is friends or related in some way.

I like to be around Samoans because they are always being their magical children. They are always showing love and support through their own individual ways. I have had the opportunity to meet people from all over the states. I have also built a lot of strong and close relationships which I am proud of. I feel close enough to people that I look at them as a real brother.

The changes I have made here are unbelievable. I have become a very powerful, effective leader and have learned to face my fears and issues head on. I have just recently moved up to the highest level in the program and I am facing a lot more responsibilities, which I am looking forward to achieving. I have come a long way in my life and in the changes I have made. I have learned how to be myself, which is an honest, caring, supportive, and loving young man.

I have just recently had the opportunity to come to a different part of the program that is up in the mountains. It is called Le Tiara. It is a beautiful place, and everyone here is very supportive and loving. The main thing I see from the brothers here on Le Tiara is the ability to strive for greatness and the willingness to put in the effort to do it.

The way I feel that the parents could help us out is to show a lot of love and support through letters, for what we as your children are doing to progress in our lives. Another way is to check up on us and see how much we are progressing, maybe by talking to our case managers and leaving messages, or talking to Sonja and finding out how things are.

Letter #3: from R.

Life in Samoa is very different from the States. We don't have the conveniences of a developed country. It is very easy going, but at the same time has been one of the most scariest experiences of my life. The Samoan people I have found to be very caring and lovable, also to be treated with a high level of respect. Sharing love with them while together being our magical children has been one of the best parts of my recovery. I have lived here in Western Samoa for eight months now.

I have recently excelled to the highest level of the program. The changes I have made is learning how to face my problems and fears head on, not running or avoiding them like I did at home. I have learned once again to give and accept love from others. At home, all I would do was push love away and out of my life. All and all I have dropped the person who I wasn't and come to my child, the kid I truly am.

Lately I have had the opportunity to come off the beach and start a new program in the mountains of Samoa. Although I miss the sand and the palms, and the brothers I had on Sinalele Beach, I look forward to my challenges I face everyday as a junior staff. The new program called Le Tiara is producing results fast. I still have to stay strong as a leader with my foundation. I have found that anything and everything I create as a leader, that there will always be somebody that wants to try and destroy it. Every day is a new choice. It all depends on what choice I want to make. I really like the challenges and how my choices and leadership can inspire others to change.

You as a parent can help your son out a lot. What I liked was a lot of encouragement. Also acknowledge the changes your boy is making. I would encourage you as a parent not to write about how your son needs to make the next level. In my experience, some kids don't take parents expectations very well. I know I didn't. Recovery and change come with time, and then again it all depends on what choices your son wants to make.

Most of all, just show your son your love and concern.

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INSIDE OUT by S.F., counselor @ Paradise Cove

I have been asked to address the issue of "What do l (we) do with our child when he comes home?" There are a variety of areas I will cover over the next few months, but the first one I want to address is the Home Contract. This is a critical document/tool that will be developed by the child and the parent(s). The Home Contract will include: rules/regulations of being at home, consequences/rewards for the rules/regulations, how the rule/regulation will be monitored, how a "trend" will be handled, and an evaluation period will be built in to reassess what's working and what's not working.

This process actually begins when the child reaches Levels 3 or 4. The child is the one who will begin the process of writing the Home Contract. The reason for this is that if the child writes up the Home Contract it becomes "his" contract, not Mom and Dad's rules that he "has to agree to go home." So when certain areas start to unravel, you as the parent(s) can say, "yes, but these are your rules that you are not following." This puts ownership on the child. Also, the child is generally harder on himself in the writing of the initial contract than the parent(s) might be, because the child is fully aware of what wasn't working when he was at home. This is also a way for you as the parent to see what he doesn't cover in the contract, e.g. what "backdoors" he leaves open for himself. This will show you his level of maturity, his honesty, etc. A final point of discussion is that in the workshop, the child will discuss his fears about going home (friends, Mom/Dad, siblings, school, environment, etc.), and this gives him an opportunity to see where he is at in the process.

After the child has written the first rough draft, a copy will be sent to the parent(s) for review, corrections, expansions, etc. Then this corrected copy will go back to the child for a second draft. This process can go on for months. The child is told at the beginning of the process that this DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOING HOME, e.g., some boys think once they start the Home Contract process that they are scheduled to leave, so I dispel this belief quickly. The longer we have to work on this document, the more concrete the document is, and a stronger foundation is created for the family unit when the child comes home. The final work on the Home Contract is done at the Parent/Child seminar when the child is discharged from the program.

Next time I will go into more detail on the specifics of the Home Contract.

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ON THE OUTSIDE by Charles Mitchell, a boy who's gone home

Charles Mitchell (on the right), before entering Paradise Cove

The program does not compile statistics regarding "success rates," because there are so many differing definitions of success. However, we will include here letters from boys who have completed Level 4 and been recommended home, with their feelings about what works and what doesn't, what helps and what doesn't. We hope you'll find this column helpful as you contemplate your son's return.

Dear Parents,

When I came home from Samoa my parents set a standard with old clothes and music. They had thrown all of my old clothes and music away. All of it. If you think your son will yell or fight with you over that, then he is not ready to come home. Even though I had changed my life around so much, I still didn't want to completely let go of my image. I didn't know any other way to dress than my old way.

Charles Mitchell since returning home.

Music was a big problem for me. It influenced me to do drugs. If I would have come home and listened to the old music, it would have made it very tough on me. I didn't like my parents throwing away all of my music, but it had to be done, and I am glad that is their standard.

If your son has his old clothes and old music, he is going to have his same old image. Do you want that? If not, you better look at these two things very seriously.

Within 24 hours of my return, my friends were calling me. I told them that I could not be around them anymore, but that didn't stop them, so they came over to my house. If you think it is going to be easy for your son to tell his old friends to get out of his life, you better think again. If your kid does not have the ability to put acceptance from other kids on the side, then he is not ready to come home. Level four will teach your kid how to do that. If my parents would have brought me home before Level four, then I would be in deep trouble. I would have gone back to my old friends and everything else.

Charles Mitchell since returning home.

When I was home for about three weeks, I was getting very lonely. I had no friends. All my issues were popping back up. I was getting tempted to go out with old people. I wanted to have some friends. It is almost three months later and I am just starting to meet some people. That is the most deadly stage so far.

Most parents bring their kid home too early. It makes me sick to my stomach when I see a kid that is really starting to do something, and his parents bring him home. If you are going to be selfish and bring your kid home too early, you will be part of the downfall of your kid. If my parents weren't committed to the program and just brought me home three months earlier, I would be in serious trouble. I mean it when I say it.

Your kid will be an exact mirror of you in the program. If you are not committed to the program, neither will you son be. If you are going to half do it, and keep him there for 6 months and expect a problem free program, then he will do the same exact thing, and half do it and complain all day. If you are 100% committed to the program and you're not going to bring him home, no matter how hard it is, until he is recommended home, then he will be a leader when he comes home, and he will make it.

Which one are you? Commit now. Are you in, or are you out? Are you committed, or are you a wimp? I won't take any excuses for somebody's life.

Your son will make it if you give him the time to change and get real solid. You want a weak follower as a son, or a solid leader? I want solid leaders. If your kid needs some help, have him give me a call at. Thank you.

Sincerely, C.M.

Parents, I would echo all C.M. has said. The only difference is that I would not have been as effective in "saying it like it is. " The program tells us that our son's best chance for success comes when he has completed Level 4, and been recommended home. From other parents I have talked to, I know that it is the rare boy who can come home earlier, and do anywhere near as well. In general, it's much harder; there are many more problems; it's harder on parents; and many boys don't make it, and return to their old ways. I've heard from parents of a couple of boys who have, with dedicated parents, done OK when they come home before recommended, but there's a lot more who don't. If there's any way financially possible, keep your sons there until they're recommended home. S.

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LETTERS FROM SAMOA

How many of you have not received what I call those "horrible, terrible, no good, very bad letters?" They talk about malnutrition, thievery, the other boys who are so much worse and who you certainly wouldn't want your son to associate with, surgery without anesthesia (yes, from my son, regarding an incision and drainage of an infection on his foot done the same way in the U.S.), the mean staff, the bugs, etc., etc., etc.? Did you know that your sons trade these stories, and that their purpose is to convince you to bring them home? Last November one of the boys on the beach even confirmed that. That is not to say that they aren't miserable for a while after they first get there. It is a big culture shock, but the culture shock itself may play an important role in initiating change. Most of the stories seem to have a kernel of truth at their base, but are turned into something that bears little resemblance to the truth.

A sense of humor, as well as a strong dose of compassion seems to help a lot when you read those painful letters (which do stop after they've been there for several months). If your son has written home about a problem that you feel needs to be checked out, see the General Information section of this newsletter for who to contact.

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DEAR MS. PROBLEMS

As a finale to our newsletter, we will have this column, in which you can talk about your problem, and get help. Some problems will be responded to by parents who have experienced and resolved the same, or a similar problem. For some, we'll get input from staff at Paradise Cove or Teen Help. This will not be a moan and groan column, but one that constructively tries to resolve specific legitimate problems. This may include, but is not limited to problems with the program, with children at home, with communication, with returning home, or with the awful letters that boys write for many months. See the General Information section for additional information on dealing with problems. Following is an example, taken from an actual experience.

Dear Ms. Problems,

Our son recently asked us to send him an extra $20-30 to cover extra expenses he had incurred, such as a couple of visits to the dentist. We were puzzled. We had assumed that any extra expenses would be billed to us through the program. Sincerely, Got a Problem.

Dear Got a Problem,

The answer to your problem is best illustrated by the response of the parent who actually had that happen. They write: "In a conversation with a staff member in Samoa, we casually asked about the expense. Her alarmed reply was, 'No way! Let me tell you how they work off any extra expenses above and beyond their monthly allowance. The boys just simply go without treats in order to pay their bills.' [Just like the real world, huh?] Also, our son would soon be staffing seminars and payment for those would be applied to his account. Thus, he would pay for his own debts. Our deductions. He either did not fully understand that, OR, these kids still know how to manipulate! We're learning! Always ask first. Someone in the program will give you an answer. Mom & Dad