P.O.K.I.S.

Call the TASKS Coordinator to register and obtain exact locations.

Top
ON THE INSIDE - by current Level 4 boys

Letter #1: from M.

What changes have I made, and how do I feel about them?

Before I came here I was a kid with a low self esteem. I had a friend who taught me that no one would ever like me if I wasn't his friend. While I was growing up I would fight with my parents, steal from my family. One time my friend and I would steal hundreds of dollars at a time. I would always give him half. I thought that I had to do everything for them. Even though I was big, I was a baby. I hated how people treated me, but I would never do anything about it. That is what started my low self esteem. That caused me to turn to drugs. Then I would just spend my money on drugs and not on my debts I owed my dad. That just got me more into my depression. Then I became so I wanted to kill myself. I didn't think life was worth it. That is when I really started to go down in all areas of my life. On the outside I looked like a "bad" kid. On the inside I was really asking for help. I'm glad I had a family who could really see it.

Once I got here I learned how to show I didn't have any problems. I also learned that I really needed help, but I wasn't about to ask for it. I learned that it is about time for me to do something. All this time I just didn't want to grow up. Now I know the responsibilities I have here. I take them on with pride. I learned how to deal with my stress issue. I have been through some really hard times here, and I have pulled out really great. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that I am worth it. I also have people who love me, but most of all I love myself. With that I know I can take on the world. I have learned to be honest with all people. That also means that I ask for help when I need it. I have a high self esteem, a lot of determination, and honesty. These are some things that I always had, but didn't use that much.

My experience of this place is honest. This place has helped me out a lot. A lot of people said, "Don't do it the program way." Well, I did it the program way, and I am great in my life. I'm glad I came here. It has taught me to stay committed to myself.

Letter #2: from D.

I have made many changes here in Paradise Cove over a year's time. This is only a one page Level 4 essay, so I will only go over the changes that are most important to me.

The changes that took a year's time to fully change or decide on are: abstinence and how I see women, no smoking ever again, and team work. First, when I arrived here I saw women as objects and thought I could not go a day without thinking about sex. Since I have been here, I have learned to see women as equals and I have learned to look past appearance ad sex appeal to who they are. I am proud and thankful of and for this change. I can now look forward to a meaningful and steady relationship some day.

Second, when I first got here I still wanted to smoke, up until my three month date. Then it took almost another nine months to finalize on that decision. Once again I am thankful and secure about this change. I have health and freedom from dependency.

Third, I was a loner. For a long time, I did not trust anyone and I would not work with anyone. A year later I enjoy communicating and working as a team with others. I find myself having more fun and getting more done.

I have also gained a lot of wisdom such as responsibility, accountability and over all knowledge of myself, others, and the world. I feel much more confident about myself and my abilities.

Finally, I have learned to express myself, love others, and love myself. I feel like I am someone who will succeed.

Top
INSIDE OUT by S.F., counselor @ Paradise Cove

To continue where I left off last time - in this article I will discuss the specifics of the Home Contract. In the first workshop I conduct with the boys I ask them to define the Value Frame of the family; e.g. what areas fall within the family value frame that are marked nonnegotiable. Nonnegotiable would be those areas such as drugs/alcohol, illegal activities, friends, smoking, school, tagging respect, honesty, religion, etc. In every family the value frame will be unique. What I ask the boys to identify are those areas that created the most arguments when at home, and say this would probably be a good place to start to identify what the value frame might contain.

Once they have identified what areas would be nonnegotiable, I have them identify those areas that may be negotiable, such as curfew, music, clothes, chores, work, driving, body piercing/art, etc. Again, this is only the first draft of the contract and we are trying to see how far the boy has come in the process of completion. If the boy is not willing to identify certain inappropriate friends as nonnegotiable, then this would send up red flags. Or, if he indicates that he will continue to listen to certain types of music, again another red flag.

After they have identified the nonnegotiable vs. the negotiable areas, they must then attach a specific rule/regulation. To each rule/regulation there will be a consequence/reward, the consequence for a trend, how the rules/regulations will be monitored. A trend is identified as any one behavior that occurs 3 times within a specified time frame, e.g., if your son comes home late 3 times in the first month, the consequence for the "trend" would be more severe than each individual consequence he has received for breaking his curfew.

The rule/regulation needs to have an immediate consequence and a long-term consequence. An immediate consequence might be to write a 500 word essay on integrity if a child breaks curfew, and a long term consequence might be to lose driving privileges for a week. The reward system does not always have to be something monetary or material. Sometimes the boys want a monetary reward for everything they do that is appropriate - like being honest, showing respect, etc.! It is inappropriate and it could break you financially.

Monitoring in the first 90 days will be critical. You must be willing to go above and beyond what you have done in the past. We tell the boys that your parents will be your best friends for the first 90 days. If they want to go to a movie, you go with them. If they want to go to a school event, you go with them. There needs to be a built-in monitoring system for every rule/regulation. For drugs/alcohol - random drug testing, room searches, pocket searches, smell his breath, etc. The major message here is that you are not to trust your child walking in the door - he needs to earn your trust back - just as he did in the program. This does not mean you do not love him! If you begin the new relationship with no boundaries, then your child will be walking all over you within 2 weeks and will be back to his old behaviors/attitudes immediately. What works in the program is the structure and the monitoring.

The final stage of the Home Contract is to build in evaluation periods. These evaluation periods give everyone a specific time to sit down and review what is working and what is not working, to put corrections into the contract, to possibly loosen up or tighten up some of the rules/regulations. This is best done on a specific date/time when everyone affected can be present in an atmosphere that supports open discussion. As the parents, do not decide after 30 days that your child is wonderful (which he is) and let your guard down and throw out the Home Contract - this would be a disaster and the child will have gotten what he wanted.

After you have received the first rough draft of the Home Contract, it will be important to sit down with all the family members who will be affected by the contract and decide if your son has covered all areas that are important/valuable within the family structure. If not, revise the contract as necessary. If he has not listed specific names of appropriate vs. inappropriate friends, ask him to do so. If the rules/regulations and the consequences are too loose or easy, tighten them up. If too hard, ask him if this is realistic. Sometimes the boys set up their Home Contracts that allow NO breathing space and place impossible expectations on themselves.

Once the changes have been made, send/fax the document back to the program and ask your son to review the revisions and respond. As stated before, the document may take months to complete and the final draft will be done at the Parent Child seminar. Do not give your child any indication that this means he is coming home soon - it just means he is coming home someday, and as a family you are developing a tool to support continued success at home.

I look forward to talking with you next month and hope this information is timely and valuable.

Top
ON THE OUTSIDE by C.M., a boy who's gone home

Parents, when I asked C. to write another column for the second edition of P. O. K. I. S., he told me that part of what he wanted to offer was some feedback that was based on his experiences from the last Parent Discovery Seminar, and also on his phone calls from parents. Some of you will find what he has to say shocking, but I ask you to open your minds and your hearts to take an honest look. It could make a huge difference in your life, and the lives of your son and family. C's experience at the last seminar was mine as well, though being a parent with a boy in Samoa, I would have looked for a gentler way to say it But, after a lot of thought, I believe that C'.s honesty might have a much greater impact. I would like to thank C. for caring enough to be honest, and to acknowledge him for the outstanding young man that he is. S.

Dear Parents,

What I am about to tell you is exactly what my parents did for my success, and also what I did for my own success.

I have lots of parents ask me, "Is it OK to throw away all of the image stuff?" Let's get real, parents. This is your house, not a motel. These are your standards in your house. I can't believe how the kids have such control over their parents. Certain things were needed to be done for my success, and the same for your son's success.

First, whining to the program does not work. All it does is make the program have to hire people to take care of the parents' comments, rather than put that money towards the kids' success.

I was in Samoa for 13 months, so I do know what goes on there. If you are looking for a problem free youth program, good luck. I understand what it is like to be a youth in Samoa. Is it easy - NO. Is it fun - sometimes, mostly NO; you do not change by having fun all of the time. Did I want to come home even when I was at the top and doing my best in the program? Yes, I was also always pushing my parents for an earlier return, even though I knew deep down inside that I was not ready to be home.

If you are a parent that is about to bring your son home, and you son is not being recommended home, you are making a serious mistake. How do you expect your son to be ready? Do you think it is easy to be a leader when a kid comes out? It is the hardest thing I have pushed myself to do. If your kid can not be a true leader in the program, then there is no way he will make it.

How do you expect your son to come from a follower to a leader in a couple of months? How do you expect the program to work if you're only going to put in little commitment? You see, your kid will do exactly what you do. If you are only going to leave your son there for 6 months or so, and then when things get tough you give up, then he will give up too. If you are committed to the real change, and you will not allow him back to your house until he is recommended, then in the end he will be a leader and you will have your son back once again. Things don't just happen. It will take pain, loneliness, and hard work on your side.

If you want to have a successful family, then you need to be building yourself as a parent. The committed parents will go to the seminar that the program offers. The truly committed parents will go back and staff many times, because it is impossible to grab it all in one shot.

For the majority of you, your son will probably manipulate you to come home early, or your own issue will pop up and take control of your situation. You parents that fit inside of that category are going to go through a lot of hell. Your son will come home a little different, but I will give your family one week until everything is back to the old ways.

After parent seminar I had a chance to go watch, and listen to the parents complain and whine to the program about small, small things. Your son is only about three steps away from manipulating you to bring him home. Your son earned his way to be there, so he can earn his way out. The parents of this program should be calling and thanking them so much for what they're doing. They are saving your son's Life, and lots of parents have the nerve to complain about that. The program is your best friend right now. They are also your last hope, so let's start giving them the support they need to become even better than they are right now.

One thing level four taught me is to become a self starter. You will not be able to fix your kid at all. He will have to learn how to do it. When I returned home, all of my old stuff started popping back up manipulation, anger, stuffing feeling, etc. I would not have made it when I returned home if I was brought back three months earlier. The last three months I was being trained to be a self starter. It was probably the hardest time for my parents, because I was gone for so long.

My parents started to make up a lot of excuses to bring me home. My dad said it was the money. "He has progressed far enough, so let's bring him home." My mom said, "He's changed enough, so why can't we just bring him home right now?"

What I'm getting at is that they were going to bring me home for them, and not for me. The fact is that if they would have brought me home three months earlier, I would not have made it. I am very serious about that. I was not strong enough at that point. I needed more time. When you get ready to bring your son home, ask yourself, "Am I bringing my son that I dearly love home for me, or am I bringing my son that I dearly love home for him - because I know that he will make it?" There are no excuses in my mind why your son should be brought home before he is recommended. That is the only way he can earn his way home. It is the only way he will be ready for his return.

Success for parents

Go to seminar
Staff seminar 4 times before return of son.
Get rid of all excuses
Make mind up that your son will not return until he is recommended
Find parent support for the hard times (Parents,see the new Family Support column in this issue for assistance with this area. S.)

Success for your son:

To be recommended by director of program to return home
To become a self starter
To staff a seminar the first month home, and then every other month after that
To be very, very busy when first home
Get rid of old image, which includes all old clothes, most music, and all friends that have been a bad influence in the past
To have successful parents that will support him, have fun with him, and at the same time know exactly what their standards are and keep them there 100% of the time.

I want to thank the program so very much for everything they have done for my family and myself. The people I want to sincerely thank are B.V., B.L., the Samoan staff, and most of all my parents who stuck it out for me. Thank you very much.

Through this program I have grabbed my life back. I know how to be me again. I know how to be a part of my family. I am really going somewhere with my life. Thank you again.

Sincerely, C.M.

Top
DEAR MS. PROBLEMS

In this column, you can talk about your problem, and get help. Some problems will be responded to by parents who have experienced and resolved the same, or a similar problem. For some, we'll get input from staff at Paradise Cove or Teen Help. This will not be a moan and groan column, but one that constructively tries to resolve specific, legitimate problems. This may include, but is not limited to problems with the program, with children at home, with communication, with returning home, or with the awful letters that boys write for many months.

Dear Ms. Problems,

Our son recently wrote to us and told us he was "in the hole," with his personal allowance. Does he have to go without necessities like toothpaste when he is in the hole? When our son has to pay fines for one of his consequences, where does the money go to? Got a Problem

Dear Got a Problem,

I contacted B.F. to get assistance in answering your questions. The money stays in your son's account to be used later, unless extra staff is required for extra supervision. In this instance, the money would be used to pay for his discipline. Your son does not go without necessities, even when his account is "in the hole" due to fines, or for other reasons. Future deposits into his allowance repay the amount owed due to fines and purchase of necessities during the time there was no money in the account.

As a parent, I would like to add a note. If adults have to pay tickets for misdeeds, they have to budget remaining money. If there isn't enough to pay the fine and to buy snacks or go on outings, we give up the snacks and outings. Our sons are learning a very valuable lesson. Isn't that part of what we sent them there for? My son, too is in the hole. On his last off grounds, they went to McDonalds. To C's disgust, he was in the hole, and so he had to settle for a Happy Meal (yes, even being in the hole, he was allowed to eat at McDonalds) instead of the double everything he had intended to buy. He said that the two boys who weren't in the hole got to buy anything they wanted. I cheered when he told me, because he learned a really important lesson. I don't really care where that money goes specifically. I also know that this program is one of the least expensive programs that we looked into!

Top
FAMILY SUPPORT/LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

I had responses from three people who had started, or were involved in support groups. Through the months, a huge number of parents have expressed their interest in personal and family support. You'll notice that one of the letters requests a column with information from siblings. I am excited about the prospect, and request that you send me submissions addressing siblings' feelings, needs, etc. The final letter is a letter to the editor that addresses the family support issue. If you want to enquire about family support groups in a specific area, please contact Teen Help at 1-800-355 8336.

Letter #1: G.C. & S.l. Tips for Starting a Parents' Support Group

It is a red letter day in this household, when any correspondence arrives concerning Paradise Cove. So when we received our first copy of P.O.K.I.S., we gobbled up every tidbit. Coming across Sls request for information regarding a parent's support group, we gave her a call. For, prior to moving from the San Diego area to Salt Lake City, we had formed, to our knowledge, the first parents' support group. This support group was formed in July 1995, and is still operating, thanks to some of the other Paradise Cove parents that stepped forward in order that it could continue. Over these many months, we have been contacted by many of you, seeking information on how we went about this process. So we welcomed the opportunity to share what we have learned with other parents interested in forming a similar group.

We first secured a meeting room that would accommodate weekly meetings, without a room rental charge. Our local hospital provided a room for us, but later we relocated to a room at a local high school. It was determined that a mid-weekday was best, and that a 90 minute time frame would work well. We also committed to starting and ending on time.

Our next question was how to get the word out. We sent press releases to local papers, informing them of the dates, time, location, and the focus of the group. The focus was two-fold: (1 ) provide emotional support for parents of troubled teens, and (2) research and assemble resources that would aid with the challenges faced in dealing with our teens.

Some of the papers contacted us, and published articles about the newly formed group. As a result, instead of the three or four parents we expected to come that night, twenty-five parents showed up. Clearly we had touched a need. Our commonalty was that we all had teenagers we loved dearly, but their lives were tumbling out of control. And it had a devastating whiplash on the remainder of the family. Some of these families just needed a listening ear. Others were looking to head off problems before they were completely out of control. While others found themselves at the stage we all came to arrive at...needing a safe place where their child could get the help they desperately needed.

We were proactive in getting this information out. We contacted schools, therapists groups, local law enforcement, other parent support groups. This support group was open to any parent of an adolescent. Each week we would update information and resources gathered. All of the parents involved proved to be invaluable detectives as they searched for new data and materials to share. There is a certain healing that takes place in reaching out to help another.

The format of each session included reviewing new resources, as well as sharing time. The first half hour included new and old business, and attention to new material. Then we each introduced ourselves and shared briefly how we were feeling at that moment. This served as a tool for us to focus. The remaining hour was reserved for uninterrupted, voluntary sharing. We even had a mission statement that we would read in unison at the conclusion of each meeting.

Since moving to Salt Lake City, we miss that regular contact with other parents. So we have decided to form a dinner group comprised of parents whose sons are at Paradise Cove, or whose daughters are at Cross Creek Manor or Sunrise Beach. Our focus will be to support one another, so that we can maintain our objectivity and commitment, and to exchange information. For this is our time also to commit to growth and personal improvement.

If you would like to join us, or have any other questions, feel free to contact us. We will be meeting on a regular basis, at different local restaurants for dinner, support, and friendship. For the next location, date and time, please call. Or if you are going to be visiting the Salt Lake City area, and would like to pin us, please call. There is truly STRENGTH IN NUMBERS!

Letter #2: C.P. Tarrant Community Outreach, Inc.

It was great to talk to you the other day. I am writing this letter to give you and other parents an idea and sense of the parent support program that meets in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

The parent/teen support group is hosted by my company, Tarrant Community Outreach, Inc. We are an outpatient counseling center with an array of programs for both adults and adolescents. We have a long track record with adolescent programs that produce results. We use this group for families to meet several needs such as:

A. An entry level outpatient program for families to utilize the least restrictive level of care in an effort to regain a cooperative family.

B. An on-going support program in conjunction with individual or family counseling.

C. A support program for families whose kids are in in-patient treatment.

D. A returning level of care for families and teens who have been in in-patient care (aftercare).

The group meets on Wednesday evenings from 7:00-8:30 PM. The parent group is facilitated by L.B. and by C.P. The teen group is facilitated by B.J. The parents meet separately from the teens and have conversations and exercises that range from enabling, co-dependency, suicidal ideation, school issues, work issues, and parenting issues. Many of the parents also attend Tough Love parent support groups in addition to our group. Our agency views the Tough Love program as great support for families in the community. We currently have about thirty parents who attend this group on a weekly basis.

The teens separate meeting works on issues such as school, sex, drugs, parties, fun, responsibility, and how to have a successful relationship with their parents. We have several teens who are in recovery and they are asked to take leadership roles. Again, this group is an entry level of care as well as aftercare for young people coming out of treatment programs.

Both groups come together about once a month for programs involving communication, and other specific topics. We have noted that the young people who have returned from Brightway/Samoa/Cross Creek/Cancun communicate very well in these groups. We believe that the teens who attend the seminars and have participated in the Utah-connected programs have a much greater appreciation for working out family issues.

After the meeting, parents have a chance to socialize and to compare notes about their kids in Samoa. This allows parents to support each other and to network together about incidentals that come up during a treatment stay.

We charge $10.00 per family for this group, which essentially covers the cost of the therapists who facilitate it. Our agency views the group as part of a continuum in our care system in which families can begin with the least restrictive level of care and move to the next level as needed. Our experience has been that families who have actively participated in the support group for one year after their child returned from treatment have the greatest odds for success.

If you would like to start a support group in your area, feel free to contact me at Tarrant Community Outreach

Sincerely, C.P.

Letter #3: L.P.

When you publish the next letter, which I hope will be soon, I would like to have my E-Mail address put in there, and request that if there is anyone else who has an E-mail address, that they, as well, include it. This will give me and others a wide network of communication that would otherwise not be available. I am hooked up to the Internet and I have gotten a lot information about Western Samoa from it. If anyone is interested in the information, I would be more than happy to copy it and send it to them. We have started an informal group of Parents with children in Samoa, Cross Creek, and Cancun and it is quite helpful to be able to speak with parents who understand your plight. We support each other in the high times and console each other in the low times. I also think you might want to consider including some letters and/or articles by siblings of those in Samoa to express their feelings and what they went through and are going through now. We have all concentrated so much on those in Samoa that, in many cases, we have "pushed aside" the others at home.

Letter #4: L.F., parent of a boy in Samoa

During the graduation time for the "Samoan" parents at the last Parent Discovery held in April, I felt a great deal of frustration on the part of many parents. It brought back a flood of memories for me.

Our son has been in Samoa since June of 1995. We had the same concerns about the program and the same frustrations about the lack of communication with our son. May I please share some of my thoughts with you newer parents?

It became important for me to realize that WE (my husband and I) were the ones who put our son in the program. We had checked it out as much as is possible. We felt good about the program and knew that we needed help very quickly.

As humans, it is a natural reaction that when things are not going well for us; we often become defensive and find fault. (Wonder where our children pick up on this?!) We want answers, now !

It has also been our experience that you can "catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar." Maybe each of us needs to take a look at ourself and see how we can be part of the solution, rather than part of the problem.

In working with the owners and other staff of this business, we have always been treated with respect and understanding. Believe me, in the beginning we must have been a real pain! Well, actually, maybe as the end of the "Samoan" experience nears, we're still a pain! It must be difficult having 200 parents down your throat about every little thing that is or could be going on with your son.

They have answered our questions gently and satisfactorily. There has never, in our minds, been a question of integrity. We accepted the fact that since we were the ones who had put our son in the program, we were the ones who had to develop the faith in the program and in the staff. Even to the long waits (sometimes 2-3 months) between receiving letters. Then, usually several letters and weekly reports would come at once. We had to adjust to the fact that things do not function in Samoa (or other countries for that matter, as we have had family living in other foreign countries in the past) as they do here in the United States.

We developed faith that if there was ANYTHING seriously wrong, someone on staff would contact us. Remember, didn't we sign many papers giving them authority to take care of our sons? What may seem serious to the boys or to us may not, in fact, be an emergency. They have dealt with many young men over time.

We found with many of the challenges and problems that our son was having, by the time we received mail from him and answered, he had already come up with the solution. Isn't that what we sent him there for? We wanted him to "grow up" and "mature." This he most certainly has accomplished. So maybe the long waits between communication worked to his benefit.

We found it most helpful when we were able to start communicating with a case worker. The Samoan culture is laid back and easy going, but they are friendly and loving if they are also treated that way. Our case worker has been a precious link for us with our son. We have even learned not to get too upset with busy signals on the telephone, but to be patient and keep trying. It has been rare that we were not able to get through to her.

In spite of all the frustrations, we have a much healthier son coming home. He is happy with who he is now. He realizes he has learned skills to help him with relationships the rest of his life. We're not dumb enough to expect a "Pollyanna" life from here on out, but we do feel that by attending and staffing Parent Discovery Seminars we have also learned better skills for working together as parent and child to accomplish our end result - a happy, healthy, and productive citizen and a happier family. To this we give thanks to all the staff and owners of this program.

In a nut shell, just have faith in the program, yourself, and your son! - L.F.

Parents, I found some empty space at the end of this issue. Rather than waste it, I thought I would "treat you " to a poem written by our six year old daughter. When I asked her what the magic was that she was talking about, she said in an exasperated tone, "That's your magical child, of course." Out of the mouths of babes:

A Different Magic in You

Thars a difrent magic in you.
Will it be so much true?
And it's in you. I hope you new
that thars a burning dragon in you.
Oh I hope you new
Thar was a grater powr in you.
And it is true.
Thars a grater powr in you.