General Information
What's New in Samoa & in The Program
Trainers' Corner - Regarding Tasks seminars
On the Inside - By a boy in Samoa
Inside Out - Adapting to your son at home
On the Outside - By a boy who's gone home
The Ebb and Flow of Paradise Cove
Letters From Samoa - What to expect
Dear Ms. Problems - Help solving problems
Siblings - Letters from siblings
Family Support
My Samoan Experience - A Parent's Visit
Utilizing the Parent Referral Program
It has come to my attention that some parents were not aware that this is
a monthly newsletter published and written by parents, for parents of
kids in Samoa. Though program staff review P.O.K.I.S. prior to printing
and distribution, as well as provide information for several columns, the
content and format was designed by the parents of two boys in Samoa. One
of our sons has returned home, and the other is currently on Level 4.
Unless a column is written by Paradise Cove staff, the information doesn't necessarily reflect the opinion of program staff. We appreciate individuals at Paradise Cove, Brightway, and Teen Help for their invaluable assistance and for the printing and distribution of this newsletter. If you have any suggestions, comments, or questions, please contact Teen Help at 1-800-355-8336.
|
Sheryl J John J Linda F |
Editor in Chief Support Associate Editor |
GENERAL INFORMATION
If you are a parent who missed the first issue of P.O.K.I.S., please
contact Teen Help. This section contained an in depth discussion of
Samoan culture, conditions for the boys, a little about the boys'
adjustment, communications with your son and with the program, and how to
deal with problems.
I would like to thank the many parents who wrote and/or phoned me in
response to the first two issues. Please keep it coming, as it is very
helpful to continue to improve the newsletter. There was a great deal of
feedback on the Victims and Their Stories column. Many feel that this
information is critical, and that it helped them remain calm when they
got those first letters home. A couple of people expressed deep concerns
with the tone of the column. It is our intent to help, and certainly
never to offend. Therefore, we will revise the format of this column to
adopt a more serious, less joking tone. Thank you all for your input!
In response to popular demand, we have a new column this month with
letters from siblings of boys in Samoa. I hope that this will be helpful
for all of us as we struggle to consider the needs of other family
members. Look in the Family Support section for those looking for support
groups, and for new information we received on existing support groups,
and for a letter from a family whose son came home, and was "rescued"
from the Parent Child seminar to return to Samoa. Finally, in response to
a parent request, we have included an article on how to best utilize the
referral system.
Great news! Thanks to Narvin Litchfield and Teen Help, we now have the
newsletter on Internet - on Teen Help's page. Their address is
http://www.vpp.com/teenhelp. You may find lots of other interesting
information on this page. We anticipate that this will be a great
resource for you and your families and friends. Please give us feedback
on whether or not you find this valuable.
There are also rumors that Paradise Cove may soon be on the Internet!
Hope springs eternal! We'll update you in the next newsletter with any
further information on this subject.
Note from the Editor: Last month, due to lack of communication between my
computer and my printer, part of the Dear Ms. Problems column was
deleted. We have therefore included the entire problem and response in
this issue. Please accept my apologies.
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Paradise Beach - southwest shore
by Dace, beach facility coordinator.
I have a composite degree of psychology, sociology, economics, and
history. I was able to receive a secondary education teaching
certificate. This will be useful, but we have all heard the saying,
"People don't care how much you know, till they know how much you care."
My wife will be joining me after having our first baby, expected in July.
She is a saint to support my decision, quit her job, and follow me to
6,500 miles away from her home. Since arriving, I have been able to visit
with the many entities of the program including parents, and I am
impressed with the challenges your boys are able to experience, because
as a wise woman once said, "We only grow when we are challenged."
[Duane remains as Assistant Director, and is coordinator for the
mountain facility. Joe has joined Sonja as counselor . He will be
assigned the newest parents/boys who come into the program and Sonja will
be continuing to work with the parents/boys with whom she has already
established relationships, plus a few of the newest parents.- Ed.]
by Sheryl J., editor
First, please review the section in your Parent Manual entitled "Parent
Child 1," under Parent Child Seminars. Brent offered some clarification
of the level requirements. It is possible for some boys to come home on
Level 5; however it is recommended that six months time be spent on Level
6. If your son is close to being recommended home under the old system,
there could be exceptions made if your son meets certain criteria.
As stated in the new Parent Manual (which you should have received, or
will receive shortly), the boys will enter a transition home in St.
George for a two month period following the Parent Child I seminar. They
will live either with a family in a supervised situation, or in a group
home setting. The particular setting chosen for your son will be chosen
based on his individual situation. There are some homes available now to
be used for this purpose.
"While in the transition home, the boys will continue their academic
program by attending school every day. They will have one group feedback
session per day (M-F). The group session will focus on issues relative to
the boy returning home. Boys who could benefit from M or NA meetings will
attend regular meetings under staff supervision. The boys may participate
in a variety of community recreation, fitness or service activities. All
activities will be supervised by adult supervision and approved by the
Program.
The benefits that the Transition Program offers, particularly for the
boys who have been out of the country for an extended period of time, are
invaluable. Transition also allows for a "clearing" up of all Academic
Credits, so that the student at the time he leaves the program will have
an updated transcript that can be forwarded to his future school or
college. It also qualifies the student and his family to be eligible to
attend all follow-up Parent/Child Seminars after the boy has returned
home. This provides an ongoing benefit and help to the student and family."
The cost for the transition home will be a monthly fee identical to the
one you are currently paying for Paradise Cove. This program is very new,
and we will have more information for you as it progresses.
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UPCOMING TRAINING DATES
The Parent Seminars will be moving to regional training locations
starting in July. The following gives the training dates for upcoming
Parent Seminars and Parent Child trainings. REMEMBER YOUR CHILD MUST BE
SCHEDULED INTO A PARENT - CHILD I, AND THEN INTO TRANSITION. PARENTS MUST
BE GRADUATES OF THE PARENT SEMINAR TO ATTEND THE PARENT CHILD SEQUENCE.
Call the TASKS Coordinator at (801) 635-0918 to register and obtain exact
locations.
Note from the Editor: Brent Facer has asked me to remind you that
attending the Parent Discovery Seminar is considered essential for
both the kids and the parents. This seminar is offered to you free of
charge, and must be completed to be eligible for the Parent-Child
sequence, which is also offered free of charge. The Parent Focus
seminars are optional, and the cost for them is $295. Watch for the
Trainer's Corner in next month's issue; it will contain an article
regarding the Focus Seminar.
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Letter #1: from Mike
Dear Paradise Cove Parents,
My name is Mike, and I am an 18 year old from Chicago. I have been here
in Samoa for a year now. Throughout my life I have had a large amount of
negative feelings directed toward myself. Since my early childhood I had
situations occur which brought about some deep rooted issues. I have been
in other programs before this one, but they were no where near as
effective as this program.
When I came here I was very suicidal and was involved in heavy drug
usage. The reason I believe I turned to these activities was I had low
self esteem and hated myself. I thought I was a bad person and that
something was wrong with me. This is why I was not willing to turn to my
parents for help. I knew I had to come here and even though I wasn't
excited about it, l knew I needed to get some help.
My life at home was getting worse and worse as time went on. Any time I
didn't like something, l would get angry and take it out on my parents.
So our relationship was simply falling to pieces. I did not hate my
parents, even though I said and acted like I did. I was just scared and
was reacting out of fear. I love my parents very much and always have. I
just did not know how to open up.
Since I have been here I have gone through both seminars, which helped me
to get out my trapped emotions. My stay here hasn't been the smoothest
one. I was very inconsistent at first because I did not believe in
myself. That has changed. I am now a Level 4 and have been a leader of
those around me for quite some time now. I am very proud of the
accomplishments I have made, and my parents have given me 100% support,
even when times were tough.
I know that I am a very special person, and I believe very strongly in
myself and God. I really enjoy it here in Samoa. This is a very safe
place, away from all the craziness of the outside world. This is one of
the main reasons I have come such a long way.
The only thing I need to worry about is my own happiness. I have also
gotten to learn and experience so many new and amazing things here. I
have tested local foods, swam in the ocean, fished with spears, and seen
fire dancers at a local hotel. I have formed very tight relationships
with the Samoan staff as well as the students.
My life was quickly coming to a close and now the possibilities for my
future are infinite. I have no doubt about my success in the future,
because it has already begun. To fully describe what I have lead would
take a lifetime to explain. I strongly suggest that you as parents ask
your kid to get to Level 4, because though it may take some time and
money, it is where I have learned the most. I will truly miss this place
when l leave.
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A topic I would like to touch on briefly today is the need for the family
to attend to ALL family members that will be affected by the return of
your son. The younger and older siblings of the family have a tendency to
be left out of the loop of the reintegration process. As difficult as the
separation has been on Mom and Dad, the separation and focus on the
problem child has been as difficult, or sometimes worse, on the siblings
at home. The message they sometimes hear is "if I'm bad, then I can get
Mom and Dad's attention," or, "they love him more than me," etc.
As much as possible, have the siblings be involved with your son's
progress and challenges, as well as the reintegration process. As you
begin the home contract process, ask the siblings for their input, ask
them to say how they were impacted by their brother's behaviors/attitudes
(and allow them to write to their brother about their feelings during
this disruptive time in their life) and what do they want to see
different upon his return. Include the siblings in the family
meetings/assessment times, counseling sessions, seminars (when possible),
etc. Build into the week special time for the siblings, where the focus
is on the sibling ONLY. In other words, pay special attention to the
siblings who have also gone through a very rough time for their brother
and may go through rougher times with him coming home if the siblings are
ignored. I realize your plates are full as parents, yet I do not want to
have the sibling of one of the boys come into the program if we can
address issues before they become full blown crises situations.
l look forward to talking with you next month. Sorry for the shortness of
the article, but Sheryl told me to keep it short and sweet!
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Life on a beach is very easy to do. When you are there, most will
disagree with me. I've been home for about 8 1/2 months. Finally, l have
adjusted back in to the life of the city. I miss a lot of the
relationships I made with the staff and other students. Some will have
memories within my heart forever, and some I wish to forget. Always in
everything there is what you enjoy, and what you do not enjoy.
I chose to stay in my home town with my parents. The statistics say only
10% of the people that return home do not relapse. I can say I am one of
those 10%. [Note from editor: Program experience has been that while that
is probably true for boys who are not recommended home, for those who are
recommended home, the great majority of them do not return to their prior
problems].
I was very lucky; when I was in Samoa most of my friends stopped using.
The ones that did not stop, I'm not friends with. It has been very hard
for me not to go back, so that is why I do not recommend for you to go
straight home after Samoa. Learn as much as you can from each other, and
from the staff. I have been where you have been. I was there 14 months.
So I say what I say from experience.
Mom and Dad, Keep me there as long as you need me there and as long as I
need to be there. I will be ready when I am on Level 4 for 4-6 months.
That is hard for me to say. I want a new life with you and with myself. I
will close with this: Friends are not friends if they do not write to you.
Letter #2, poem by Trevor, a boy gone home
HOW I GOT WHERE?
I used to dose, blaze and drink
I was hanging out at the coffee shop
I knew I was going to pay for my sins.
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The Crisis is Over...Now What?
As parents, we have already experienced the roller coaster ride of
emotions produced by the nightmare of witnessing our child making
frightening, self destructive choices. Although the details of our
stories vary somewhat, as parents we share the commonalty of requiring
the resources of intervention offered by the Paradise Cove program. It is
a heart wrenching decision to come to, yet a sense of relief once that
decision has been made. All thoughts and emotions become intensely
focused on getting help for our child we so dearly love. Silent pleas for
help and hope. And now our sons are in a safe place with caring staff
dedicated to assisting them to turn their lives in a positive direction.
Yet, who would have foreseen this would be followed by yet another kind
of roller coaster ride of emotions?
Unless you have had a previous experience of placing a child in a
behavior modification program, to the best of my knowledge there is no
way to effectively prepare for this adventure. So, speaking especially to
the parents who are relatively new to the program, identifying some of
the emotions you are experiencing, or have already experienced, will
perhaps be of some comfort and help to you.
Up until the intervention, your family undoubtedly suffered through
constant upheaval and chaos. At times you may have even felt virtually
held hostage by your teen. Constant monitoring, heartache, family
quarrels, worry and concern were most likely the norm. Now he is in a
stable environment, and you breath a sigh of relief. Yet we now commonly
experience a feeling of uneasiness. Life seems somewhat out of sync. It
is the realization that, up until now, a great deal of life has been
spent in chaos and confusion, anticipating the next crisis. Now, strange
as it may seem, there seems to be a giant void. What to Do? How to fill
that gap?
Take the first couple of weeks to rest and recuperate. Take time to
nurture yourself. Spend time with other family members and dear friends.
Fall back, regroup, then focus forward. Once you have your batteries
recharged, it is time to get busy. During the time your son is working
his program in Paradise Cove, it is your time to concentrate on your own
personal growth. There are no perfect families, given that they are
staffed by human beings. Expecting to have all problems vanish, simply
because your son makes personal changes and improvements, is a formula
for colossal failure and major disappointments. It is critical to your
son's success that his parents participate fully in the recommendations
of the program.
To assist parents in that process, the program offers the Parent
Discovery, and the newly added Parent Focus Seminars. I can not stress
strongly enough how your full participation in these seminars is so vital
to the success of your child. During these seminars you will be taught
about the same tools and skills that your sons are experiencing. Gaining
understanding and knowledge of their use and application, you will gain
an appreciation of these powerful techniques and have a realization of
how they can effectively help your son have a change of heart. You will
also experience a heart to heart bond with your child that you never
experienced before. This is also available to siblings over sixteen, step
parents, and grandparents, conditioned on the parents' participation. It
is a wonderful opportunity to strengthen the family.
Do whatever it takes, whatever sacrifice you have to make, to attend
these seminars. Attend and participate in the seminars with an open mind,
recognizing you will get out of them only what you are willing to put
into them. At virtually every seminar, there are a few parents who choose
to leave before graduation. This is immensely heartbreaking for their
kids when this occurs. Stick it out, and see it through. Your son needs
to have your support and love by having your commitment.
Don't be fooled into thinking, for whatever reason, that this doesn't
apply to you. You need to be on the same page as your son again. After
all, isn't that one of the reasons you sought help for him? To be one as
a family again? To improve communication? This is the only way you will
truly understand what your son is experiencing, and the things he will
come to share with you. If you were at a seminar, and left before
completion, contact the program and make arrangements to give it one more
try. If you have attended already, make arrangements to go back and
participate as a staff member. The rewards will be well worth the
sacrifice. Not the least of the rewards will be the support, commitment
and love this will represent to your son.
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This column is meant primarily for new parents, who may be experiencing
what was certainly one of the most painful experiences of my life, those
first letters that sound so awful. I remember feeling overjoyed and at
the same time physically ill every time I pulled a letter from the
mailbox, from Letter #2 up until about six months after Craig had gone to
Samoa. Yes, our sons are undergoing tremendous culture shock and some
problems they write home about must be addressed with staff at Paradise Cove.
But keep in mind what several boys who are currently there (Levels 3 &
4), as well as boys who've gone home have told me, "The only, or main
purpose of those letters is to get their parents to bring them home." The
boys have also told me that many stories are traded on the beach and
"tried out" on each other's parents. Sometimes in the same envelope with
the horror stories will be letters to friends that directly contradict
what your son is telling you. For instance, they'll talk about how great
the snorkeling is, and about a really unusual, but tasty, Samoan food
that they've tasted.
Following is a composite of actual comments taken from initial letters
written to several different parents, as well as a follow-up letter put
together from boys' letters written home a few months later. I hope this
assists you in identifying what you might expect and continues to be
helpful to your struggles to adjust to your son's life in Samoa.
Initially: Please take me out of here. It's not what you think it is.
EVERYTHING you saw on the video was a croc. I have to sleep on a slab of
cement with 20-30 other guys. There isn't any water slide. The beach is
less than desirable, and the food is terrible. We don't ever get a whole
lot to eat. I'm hungry even right after we eat. All l have eaten is rice,
rice, rice. Many of the kids here get boils from malnutrition. Please
send me some food and candy before I starve to death.
I only get to take a shower once a week, if I'm lucky, and there is no
running water. Since we have not got running water, we can not go to the
bathroom but once a week. Please believe that I am not Iying to you. I
have been holding in a #2 for four days and I am about to explode! It is
very very unsanitary here. I have a horrible cough and a bad rash that
burns and itches until l cry, but no one seems to care.
There are deadly poisonous centipedes. Please mom, l can't take it
anymore. I am literally dying down here. I have bites and hives all over
my body. I cry almost every hour. Please take me out of here. Please
believe me that I am not lying to you about anything I have told you. I
wish you could see what l look like. I look like I have leprosy. Lots of
people have hook worms and ring worms all over their bodies. I only have
"lafa," but will probably get worms soon.
You should see some of the horrible things they do to you if you
misbehave. I know they lie to you because in one of your other letters
you said, "I hope you're having fun swimming and fishing. Well, we're not
allowed to kill the fish. I'll go anywhere else you want, if you'll just
bring me back to the states.
Later letters: I have to say that I'm doing really well. I'm on level two
now, on the beach. It's a great feeling. Yesterday after school I went
swimming. Crystal clear ocean and beautiful fish. Then I played football.
Then we had a very fun volleyball tournament, ate a filling dinner, and
watched "Beetlejuice." It was a very fun day. I am having a blast on
level two and with the progress I'm making, I'll make level three in no time.
The food is getting better or I'm getting weirder. I don't know which,
but neither is bad. I took your advice and kept working on my self worth
issue. It has helped me out a lot. For now I understand myself better and
have been really in touch with my magical child. I know what my personal
powers are now and I am using them effectively. When I do come home they
will work. I have learned to accept the good and the bad about me and my
life. Also, each day is helping me grow. This program has helped me more
than I can put into words, and that is a fact.
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In this column, you can talk about your problem, and get help. Some
problems will be responded to by parents who have experienced and
resolved the same, or a similar problem. For some, we'll get input from
staff at Paradise Cove or Teen Help. This will not be a moan and groan
column, but one that constructively tries to resolve specific, legitimate
problems. This may include, but is not limited to, problems with the
program, with children at home, with communication, with returning home,
or with the awful letters that boys write for many months.
Dear MS. Problems,
Our son recently wrote to us and told us he was "In the hole," with his
personal allowance. Does he have to go without necessities like
toothpaste when he is in the hole? When our son has to pay fines for one
of his consequences, where does the money go to?
Dear Got a Problem,
I contacted Brent Facer to get assistance in answering your questions.
The money stays in your son's account to be used later, unless extra
staff is required for extra supervision. In this instance, the money
would be used to pay for his discipline. Your son does not go without
necessities, even when his account is "in the hole" due to fines, or for
other reasons. Future deposits into his allowance repay the amount owed
due to fines and purchase of necessities during the time there was no
money in the account.
As a parent, l would like to add a note. If adults have to pay tickets
for misdeeds, they have to budget remaining money. If there isn't enough
to pay the fine and to buy snacks or go on outings, we give up the snacks
and outings. Our sons are learning a very valuable lesson. Isn't that
part of what we sent them there for? My son, too is in the hole. On his
last off grounds, they went to McDonalds. To Craig's disgust, he was in
the hole, and so he had to settle for a Happy Meal (yes, even being in
the hole, he was allowed to eat at McDonald's) instead of the double
everything he had intended to buy. He said that the two boys who weren't
in the hole got to buy anything they wanted. I cheered when he told me,
because he learned a really important lesson. I don't really care where
that money goes specifically. I also know that this program is one of the
least expensive programs that we looked into!
Dear Ms. Problems,
What can I do if my son is tuning 18 in order to keep him in the program?
Help
Dear Help,
For help in answering your question, l turned to Jay Kay, assistant
administrator at Brightway. There are two options available to you.
First of all, you can try to obtain a court order. This is a route
pursued by some parents. Contact your lawyer to explore this first
possibility. Second, your son may remain voluntarily, as long as he is
working the program. Parents have an ace in the hole with this option, if
they are truly committed. You can say to your son, "Gee, Johnny, we would
love to support you in staying and completing the program, or school. The
choice is yours; you can stay or come back. However, if your choice is to
come back, we choose to 1: not support you financially, and 2) you feel
you're in a space to make adult decisions; those decisions start in Los
Angeles. You're on your own after you arrive in LA. "
This is a very difficult choice for a parent to make, but some very
committed parents have made that choice, with results that eventually
turned out very positively.
Dear Ms. Problems,
Is there any money in the form of loans available for this program? Need
Financial Relief
Dear Need financial Relief,
Teen Help is working with an agency that has low interest academic loans
for secondary education available for approximately 2% above prime.
Contact Teen Help and they will assist you in initiating the loan process.
Dear Ms. Problems,
I contacted long distance phone companies to shop for the cheapest rate
for calls to Samoa. Listed below is what l learned. Maybe you can print
this information for the other parents. Maybe someone out there has a
better plan and can share it with the rest of us "budget stretched
parents." Thanks, Carolina.
Long Distance Telephone Companies
AT&T (800) 523-9675
AT&T also has another plan called "One Rate." It's available now for the
next 6 months; it's a promotional program and a new promotional rate will
apply after six months. The current rate is .95 per minute 24 hours a
day. AT&T covers homes in the U.S.
Express Tel (800) 748-5861
LDDS World Communications (800) 275-2273
Sprint (800) 326-1991
Frontier Communications (800) 783-2020
MTC (800) 733-2682
Thanks to Carolina for sharing the results of her survey with the rest
of us - Ed.
Dear Ms. Problems,
Is it good if your child progresses very fast, or better if he progresses
at a slower pace? Curious
Answer from Brian, program director
I wanted to address an issue that seems to be asked quite often from many
of the parents, regarding your sons' progress in our program. Recently
many of you have been asking if it is better that your son progresses
rapidly in the program, or more slowly.
I think it is important to look at this from the boy's needs, and not to
make this a parent's need. Rarely do we ever see two situations that are
the same. Some boys will tend to go quicker based on their personality
and efforts. It is important to allow your sons to go at their pace, to
ensure they are making progress for the right reasons, and not rushing
things just to get home.
Often we see our boys get so wrapped up in performing for others, as well
as being motivated for the wrong reasons. When they enter into the
program, we ask the parents to try not to gear on any specific time
frames. The boys work better if they are not working under pressures of
specific dates, time tables, etc.
The boys' progress basically depends on you son's responsibility for his
actions, and to progress with honesty. Our goal here with your sons is to
offer them the opportunity to honestly work on their own personal issues,
with as few distractions as possible. This includes time frames. Some
students will naturally work faster than others.
I think what is important to remember is that no matter how long they may
take, they are progressing with honesty and for the right reasons, so the
changes they make are going to be consistent LONG TERM!!
I believe you as parents want real experiences for your sons. Often, the
only way to validate changes is to witness real experiences through a
course of time.
Sonja responded to this question as well. She agrees with Brian that the
"best" course for each boy varies with each individual. Her experience
has been that most boys pursue a slow but steady course. Some pop up the
levels quickly, only to fall back to the bottom. On occasion there will
be a boy who has truly hit bottom prior to entering the program. Due to
his level of maturity, he is open to anything that will change his life.
His progress is both rapid and sustained. The boy's individual progress
with regard to lasting change is dependent on his age, level of maturity,
and willingness to undergo change. Sonja cautions us to remember that
internalizing change doesn't happen over night.
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Thanks to the suggestion of Lynne, this is a new column this month. She
reminded me of the forgotten ones, siblings who have often been, or felt,
left out. Let us not forget that they too are dealing with emotions
regarding their brother, and with his stay in Samoa. Following are three
letters from siblings. We would like to continue this column. Please keep
the letters coming.
Letter #1, by a 16 year old brother:
My name is Gary. I am 16 years old and my brother was sent to Samoa in
March of 1996. This time brought a lot of problems for me and my family.
I found that the whole experience was not too difficult to go through at
the time, but to understand and re-experience it later on was extremely
difficult. I can vividly remember the second that my brother left.
Currently I have some trouble dealing with all that has happened because
I have had a substantial amount of time to reflect. I now feel the pain
of him not being here, but my guiding light is that the results will be
worth it. When I think about how I deal with the bad times, I remember
two key things. first, I remember that my parents support me and are
behind me the whole way. Even when I am a pain because I am not in a good
mood, they are always supportive. The one thing that I can always depend
on are my own thoughts. By this I mean that if I can not work some
problems out by myself, then no one can help me. My heart has to fuel my
fire. I thank my parents for doing what they did and hope that they can
work through this just as I try to. I would also like to thank Dr.
McGrath for helping me to find my way through some of the bad times.
Letter #2, by SKS, age 13:
Dear Newsletter,
My brother hasn't been, or actually stayed at home since he was fourteen.
He is now seventeen and a half and the last time I saw him was for a day,
nine months ago. Since then I had not talked to him until several days
ago when he reached level three.
I remember before he left; my parents and him used to fight constantly.
Sometimes it felt like I wasn't there, just a bystander watching the days
pass by. My parents would forget me or mostly they wouldn't have time for
me. When he left I was happy, finally some attention. Not even close, he
started getting into more trouble. Back then I couldn't wait to get rid
of him; now I can't wait to see him again.
He has put me through a lot of pain in the past three and a half years,
but I still love him. He says he's sorry that he wasn't a brother to me
and he promises to make it up when he gets back. Before I wouldn't of
believed him, but now I know he will.
Letter #3, from a 7 year old
Dear people, I think that you guys cood have not changed the levels right
when he got to level 4! And im afraid that it's going to take him a long
time to git to level 6!
And I feel happy and mad at the same time becaus im happy that he's
getting better at not stealling, but I wish he was home! And my family's
going nuts without him! I mad while im write this letter becaus I wish he
was home! I told my parents it was OK to send him to a treatment center,
but I didint say he couid go to samoa! Sorry my handwriteings not straight.
Weil I think we need one more member in our famiiy. it's just not put
together. I think he's giting 1% more attention than I am, (even though
he's in Samoa.) Well thars not much more to write. By L. im 7 years old.
Top
Parents Interested in Forming Support Groups
TWISTER hits La Verne and carries two BOYS to Samoa; Mother is distraught!
I'm a mother who has just sent two boys to Samoa (5/6/96). I'm looking
for parents who live in my area who already have a support group going,
or who are interested in forming one. I live in La Verne, which is 30
miles east of Los Angeles.
Seattle Area: A parent would like to help set up a support group in this
area.
A New Support Group In the Bay Area, CA.
Sending our son Jake to live thousands of miles away under the care of
people we had never met was both an act of faith and an
emotionally-charged experience. We had learned about the Teen Help
program from parents at a Tough Love workshop. Talking to the other
parents about their experience with the program was very instrumental in
our decision to send Jake to Paradise Cove.
After he had left, the four of us had dinner together to support each
other. Their son David had been in the program almost eight months, and
they had lots of information and experience to share. But each of us was
able to share our anxieties, our faith, and our wisdom. Each of us had a
need and something to give.
It was not difficult to imagine that others in the San Francisco Bay Area
where we live might be interested In supporting each other this way. But
we wondered how many other families here had kids in the program. Teen
Help supplied us with the surprising answer -- at least 36 families! With
a little bit of organizing and a lot of phone calls, we met on June 2nd
at the Alpine Hills Tennis Club, a beautiful site provided by club
members and Teen Help parents. Scheduled 11 am to 2 pm, several of us
were still there at 4 pm!
The main attraction were two graduates of Paradise Cove, Charles, whom we
flew up from Southern California (we collected donations to pay for his
flight) and Ben from the Bay Area. On a pre-arranged basis, we had asked
both these young men to tell us their story -- how and why they had been
enrolled in Teen Help and how it had affected their lives. We also had a
surprise visit from Sydney, home only three days from Cross Creek!
I could tell that most parents were as touched and inspired by these
young people as I was. The kids are a powerful testimony to what a
willingness to honestly look at yourself, to learn from others, and to
search within for your Higher Power can do. I think that I understood
better than ever before that transformation is serious business and hard
work. For the first time I understood the degree of the challenge when a
graduate comes home. Charles challenged us to leave our kids in the
program until they are recommended home. Ben spoke powerfully about how
the program, and in particular the later phases of leadership, helped him
to discover who he is. Charles said that if he had come home even three
weeks earlier he would not have been able to endure some of the tests he
faced later -- that his greatest learning was in the last part of his
stay in Samoa. Sydney, who will be one of our speakers next time, talked
of the challenges she will face re-entering school. It was great to see
the love that she and her mother had for each other. All three young
people expressed gratitude for the wisdom and sacrifice of their parents
to send them to Teen Help. It was exciting these young people aren't
willing to settle for less than their best.
As parents, we were very willing to share with each other. We learned
from more experienced people how the seminar program and home contract
process work, and we learned about the value of Tough Love as a weekly
support group, etc. We decided to meet monthly. Our next meeting is July
20th.
Update on San Diego's Support Group
Dear Sheryl, Thanks so much for giving all of us an opportunity to learn
so much more about the program that our wonderful sons are involved in.
It has been a real eye opener to read of the boys experiences, and I know
in my own son's case I have seen such growth and maturity over the past
several months. I certainly look forward to the day he will arrive back
in our home and we can see firsthand in person what he has shown on paper.
We have a Parents' Support Group in the San Diego area which was first
started by another parent who has since moved. As I'm sure the boys are
making their friendships with their "families," we have been doing the
same thing. We're all growing and learning and keeping everyone abreast
of what is going on and having many good laughs along the way.
The meetings are held at Abraxas High School in Poway. We have been
meeting on Thursdays from 7:00 pm - 9:00 on a weekly basis, but as summer
is here and many are on different schedules, we will only be meeting once
a month. If you are in the San Diego area, and would like more
information, please feel free to contact us. We would love to hear from
you and get together.
Please call Teen Help if you're from any of these areas and would like
more information.
Letter to Parents, by Maria & Greg
June 4, 1996
We are writing this letter hopefully to prevent parents from the
heartache we went through at the Parent/Child seminar. First I will give
you some background on us; we have a son in Samoa.
When we first started reading the newsletters, we honestly thought they
were propaganda letters for the program to encourage parents to keep
their kids there longer. We have since found out this newsletter is done
by the parents. We didn't take the letters from the boys home as real,
only as propaganda. We didn't understand that making it to the end of the
program makes a big difference in your child.
Our son was brought home at Level 3. His letters sounded wonderful and we
had a very structured plan for the summer with relatives in another state
with us. Everyone agreed that he would probably do well since I was also
taking a leave of absence from work. When he arrived home, we saw many
changes for the good in his attitude and behavior. He admitted right away
that he had tried smoking in the Samoan airport. Two other boys had also
smoked, and they too were not on level 4.
It wasn't until the Parent/Child seminar that we started to see a child
who wasn't ready. He hadn't completely internalized everything he had
learned. The boys who had totally completed the program were much
stronger, and more ready. This was very obvious to us during the seminar.
We knew by the third day of the seminar that our son was not ready, and
so did the staff at the seminar. He was then rescued from the seminar and
taken back to Samoa. We hope that he can get past this and successfully
complete the program. I know he has a chance because of his respect and
admiration he has toward Sonja and Brian.
We can point fingers and blame, but that would not be productive, and it
would also destroy what we ourselves have learned in all the seminars. We
also have learned and seen first hand that the program does work. If you
are contemplating taking your son out In the lower levels, don't. Your
sons might not be strong enough to tell you they are not ready, because
they miss you. Trust the program and trust your gut feelings.
Top
I am one of the parents with a kid in Samoa. My son has been there since
December, 7 months now. He is on Level 3, and is a family leader. We
talked to him twice on the phone during his monthly off-grounds.
My wife and I decided that it is now time to visit. I made necessary
travel arrangements. We are to travel from NJ to Honolulu, stay
overnight, then continue our trip to Faleolo, Western Samoa. We will stay
there for one week, as the airline carrier we chose, Air New Zealand,
flies into W. Samoa only on a Monday, and returns also on a Monday. My
travel agency also reserved a room for us at Aggie Grays Hotel, and a car
with Budget Car Rental - there are no Hertz or Avis rentals in theisland.
[Ed's note: When we were in Samoa we actually had an Avis rental.
Part of the problem with traveling here is that information from travel
agencies and computers about exactly what is available is scarce.]
I informed Ofeira, Brian's case manager in Samoa, of my travel plans. She
asked if I need for her to make hotel reservations and if I would like to
be picked up at the airport. I told her that it would not be necessary,
as I already made those arrangements.
A week before departure date, my wife unexpectedly has to cancel her trip
with me. Not wanting to disappoint my son, I decided to go on alone. On
our last phone conversation, he asked for us to bring a few basic
necessities: soap, shampoo, sleeveless shirts, jogging shorts, and his
portable tape player. I brought with me all of the above except his tape
player - I am not sure if he is allowed this. [Ed - Tape players are
for Level 4.]
I also purchased a book: "Samoa - Western and American Samoa, A Lonely
Planet Travel Survival Kit," by Deanna Swanney. This book contains facts
about the region - history, geography, etc. This is an excellent book to
know about the country where your son is. It prepared me on what to
expect in Samoa.
Finally, June 2 came, and I started my travel. As planned, I stayed
overnight in Honolulu, then continued to W. Samoa the next day. I arrived
at Faleolo at about 8:00 PM, exchanged some money (exchange rate is $1.00
to WST 2.30), and retrieved my luggage. After customs clearance, I looked
for the car rental counter - first mistake; there are no car rental
counters at the airport. I decided to take the bus to Apia. Fare is WST 6.00.
Apia Harbor - across from Aggie Gray's Hotel
Next day, Tuesday, was a Samoan holiday (Flag Day). I could not get in
touch with Paradise Cove (office was closed - second disappointment). I
picked up car from rental company. My choice was a 4 WD Suzuki Sidekick,
as I noticed that to be the vehicle most common in Apia. I spent the day
driving around the island with a couple from the hotel, who are there for
their 47th wedding anniversary. We drove through beautiful beaches, and
rain forest, and took pictures along the way. We even passed through
Senelele Beach (where the boys are), but I did not know that at the time.
We continued our drive until we hit unpaved road with big boulders - I
was glad on my 4 WD choice. Looking at small map I got from hotel, it
showed a dotted line. We had lunch at a beach resort, then back to hotel
through Cross Island Drive. We passed by La Tiara Village, but again I
did not notice this.
Next day, Wednesday, I was finally able to talk to Ofeira. She, along
with Brent, and "the mail for the boys," rode with me to the beach. We
drove southeast, following the shore - exact same route I took yesterday.
Along the way, Ofeira pointed out her village, where there were coconut
leaves cut in half planted upside down on both sides of the road. She
said that her village chief just passed away.
At Senelele Beach, I met Duane, Dace, Alan, and Christina. And of course,
I finally saw my son. He was so happy to see me, and he introduced me to
all his friends. He interrupted the class and said, "Hi everybody, this
is my Dad!!!" And everybody answered back, "Hi Dad!!!" What an
introduction. My son showed me around to their fales and beach. I also
noticed that all the boys are wearing lava-lava of different colors and
designs.
My son stayed with me the next few days. We went around the island,
talked about things, swam on the beach, and were even able to watch NBA
finals on TV. We also visited the La Tiara facility, where level 1 boys
are. Almost all the level 4 boys who are working there came out,
surrounded me, and introduced themselves to me. I was taken back and
impressed with their camaraderie. I also had a chance to meet the Samoan
father who worked with my son when he was at level 1.
That night, Brian invited us to attend a fiafia show and dinner at one of
the hotels. We were joined by Brian's staff, Brent, Duane, Joe and 5
level 4 boys. The show was entertaining and fun. Brian told me that there
are only a few parents who made it to Samoa. I was the 10th or 11th since
they opened, and only the 3rd this year. The boys enjoy seeing a parent
visit them.
My son has grown, matured, full of life, and has developed a positive
outlook on his future. He is so proud of his accomplishments - of being a
family leader, and just 2 weeks short of completing his high school. He
understood that I want him to complete the program, and not once did he
ask me to take him home.
The next few days seemed to have passed us so fast. On Sunday evening, I
dropped my son back at Senelele Beach. On my drive back to Apia, I had
completely different feelings than when I left him at Brightway in
November of last year. On that day, I felt awful and empty on my way back
to Las Vegas. Today, I felt good and happy. I left behind a confident
young man who is sure of what he wants to do in his future. I am proud of
his accomplishments, his positive attitude of life, his show of respect
on Samoan culture, his pleasant manners, and his smiling face. No longer
do I see an angry young man.
Advice to parents: If you can, visit your son in Samoa, do it - but do it
on the right timing level 3 to level 4 is perfect). You will see the
pleasant changes and development of your child. Stay at least a week with
your son. Go around the island and have a vacation. Make sure your rent a
4 WD vehicle - you will need it. [Ed's note: We actually had a regular
car, and did fine, except one day when ve found ourselves backing down a
narrow dirt road in the forest, with a kind Samoan young man clearing
boulders behind us.] Take on Brian's staff's offer to pick you up at the
airport, or have the rental company deliver the car at the airport. And
mostly, enjoy your stay with your son.
Top
Having a child requiring special needs presents many challenges to a
parent. One of the challenges faced by many parents is the heavy
financial burden. It is easy to understand, and come to terms with, the
financial obligation involved if your child were to require special
medical help, such as for a life threatening illness. However, as we
watched our children grow, few of us gave consideration to the
possibility that one day our child would require special needs help for
his out of control, self-destructive behavior. Yet, that is our reality.
That is the bad news. The good news is that we have all found help for
our sons through the Paradise Cove program. In response to the concern
involving the burden of costs associated with specialized help - a burden
experienced by many families - the program offers a referral program that
can help ease that financial strain.
The referral program is designed with simplicity. If a family places
their son in the Paradise Cove, or their daughter in the Cross Creek
program, as a result of you referral, this will compensate one month's
tuition for your son.
The mechanics and tools of the referral program involve: 1) a designated
referral hot-line: Teen Help - 1-800-355 8336 - alerting staff that this
inquiry will be from a referral, 2) brochures available through Teen Help
that you may use to distribute where you deem appropriate and useful, 3)
a coding system, which will be explained by the staff at Teen Help,
indicating the source of the referral, and 4) a Lucite stand to display
the brochures. Contact Teen Help to arrange for these to be sent to you.
From personal experience, I have been extremely grateful to have the
referral program as an option. In addition to financial relief, there is
a secondary reason to use the referral program, and that is to be of
service to others. Extending yourself out of compassion to another family
is extraordinarily healing. This has been an opportunity to share with
others the dynamic and valuable resource the Paradise Cove program
offered for my child, as well as for myself. Perhaps you are one of the
multitude of parents that shared many difficult and frustrating
experiences searching for help for your son, while wishing there was
another family that you could talk to that could give you some direction
and hope. If so, this tool will provide a perfect opportunity to give
back and reach out to another family experiencing the same frightening
crisis.
I am often asked for suggestions of where to start. First of all, don't
be afraid or ashamed to speak up and speak out. Your child's oppositional
behavior is not a reflection of your character. Unfortunately though,
these problems are faced by all too many families. Welcome to the 90's.
Holding on to secrets takes a tremendous amount of energy - energy that
could be better spent on creating positive choices. If anything, give
yourself a big hug for persevering on your son's behalf, refusing to give
up. In addition, you now have limitless resources for healing your
family, via the tools of the Paradise Cove program, as you choose to
apply them.
Logical sources that may benefit from your knowledge would include, but
certainly not be limited to: school counselors and administrators,
juvenile law enforcement officers, juvenile attorneys, probation
officers, P.T.A., support groups such as Tough Love, friends, pastors and
church affiliates, neighbors, extended family members, parents of the
kids your child associated with prior to intervention, reporters in your
local area that focus on teen problems, adolescent and family
psychologists and therapists, doctors, or short term programs in your
area (their clients are often in need of extended treatment).
Utilizing the referral program from a service oriented position, as
opposed to "what's in it for me," maintains the integrity of the program,
falling under the heading of "The Golden Rule."
Let the service come from your heart, and the rest will follow.
© 1996 Viewpoint Productions, Inc.
You are visitor number
WHAT'S NEW IN SAMOA
Case Managers' Schedule, Revised 6/1/96
Samoa
Manager
Days
Location
Hours
Lunch
S.
Th,F
Sa
Tu,W
Office
Office
With Boys
9-6PM
9-5PM
12:00
None
O.
M,Tu,F
W,Th
Office
With Boys
9-6PM
12:00
J.
M,Tu,F,
W,Th
Office
With Boys9-6PM
1:00
June 1st, I walked down a path leading to new challenges, and the beaches
of Paradise Cove. As I entered the school fale, many of the faces stared
in amazement. None of the students had seen me since our encounter at
Brightway Adolescent Hospital, where I spent three great years as a
Psychiatric Technician/Recreational Therapist. The boys crowded around.
We hugged and reminisced for a few minutes, before I told them I would be
the new beach facility coordinator. The boys I worked closely with at
Briqhtway were shocked, and many could not believe I had really come to
Samoa.
Many of you have written asking how the new transition program will work
and how the addition of Levels 5 & 6 will affect the boys who are almost
ready to come home under the old program. I asked Brent Facer,
Vice-President, and other program staff to address these questions, and
will summarize the information as follows:
TRAINERS' CORNER - by D.G. President & Trainer, Resource, Inc.
Parent Seminars
TEXAS DISCOVERY
TEXAS FOCUS
July 12-14
August 22-25
LA DISCOVERY
LA FOCUS
August 23-25
September 19-22
SEATTLE DISCOVERY
SEATTLE FOCUS
September 13-15
October 24-27
Parent-Child Seminars
PC I
St. George, UT
June 13-15
PCII
St. George, UT
August 2-4
PCIII
St. George, UT
October 4-6
PCI
St. George, UT
September 5-7
ON THE INSIDE - by current Level 4 boys
INSIDE OUT by S.F., counselor @ Paradise Cove
ON THE OUTSIDE by Michael, a boy who's gone home
To the point I refused to think,
or do the dishes in the sink.
I used to burn myself and suck my blood
And go four by-ing in the washouts after the flood.
I used to sit and waste away,
Hour by hour, day by day.
Bumming money so I could drop.
My mom comes down and drops off my sister;
She is always looking for a mister.
My mom gave her a twenty dollar green back.
She said, "Let's go pick up a nice green sack."
My dealer was dry, so we walked home,
Went to her room and got on the phone.
My mom was talking to my brother
Planning to smother
My summer.
So I went out to have a smoke
My sister scrounging for a toke.
That night I was going to party, hearty
And listen to Ton Lot
BUT
My mom said, "Come here, lend an ear and talk to your brother."
So we talked about beer.
He said, "Let's go snow boarding in Utah."
When I got to L.A.X., I saw a flaw.
My brother was a no-show and I didn't know.
I was confused and a little amused.
My folks told me about two of my brother's friends
Who would pick me up and take me to an inn.
So I bummed one more fag,
Not knowing they were my last drags.
I got to this hotel like place.
When I saw the monitors I tried to escape.
But they grabbed my butt and pulled me in.
For the next two weeks I started a transition.
My parents had sent me on a psychological mission.
For the next two weeks I went from anti to social,
From dis to respect;
I tried real hard and I did my best.
I did the motions and had a smile on my face,
Cuz I knew I was fooling them and getting out of this place.
Then I heard stories of this foreign land
That you go visit when you've played your hand.
When I talked to my folks
They confirmed the trip was no joke.
So I took a plane ride, a thirteen hour trip.
At the Samoan airport I cured my nic fit.
A one hour drive from Apia to the Cove;
One o'clock in the morning I arrived
And spent the night at a Samoan's house.
Poor and disheveled, l thought we ate mouse.
No, it was custard pies and neste' mix,
Our beds had been fixed.
One last smoke before I visited dreamland,
A Rothmans of England
Woke up at dawn, much to my surprise,
A dense green lush backed by a Samoan sunrise.
The first thing I did was climb a tree,
Coconuts for breakfast and Neste'.
So now I'm in a Samoan psyche camp,
Changing my future to as bright as a lamp.
I now have direction and like to show affection.
I'm a kid again, And this game - life
I'm going to win.
THE EBB AND FLOW OF PARADISE COVE by Glenda,
son in Samoa for 16 months
LETTERS FROM SAMOA
DEAR MS. PROBLEMS
They have a "True International Savings Plan." It's $1.09 per minute
between the hours of 10 pm to 2 pm, Monday through Friday and all day on
weekends. For calls made between 2 pm to 10 pm, Monday through Friday
it's $1.65 a minute.
Their rate is $3.17 for the first minute and $1.65 per minute thereafter.
This rate applies to calls made between 8 am and 5 pm. For calls made
between 5 pm and 8 am, the rate is $2.65 for the first minute and $1.38
per minute thereafter. This long distance company only covers California,
Nevada, Arizona and Utah.
Their rate is $2.77 per minute between 5 pm and 10:59 pm, Monday-Friday.
For calls made between 11 pm and 4:59 pm, rate is $1.85 per minute. They
cover homes in the U.S.
Rate is $1.55 per minute between 10 pm and 2 pm, Monday-Friday, and all
day on weekends. For calls made between 2 pm and 10 pm, rate is $2.35 per
minute. Their program is called "Sprint Cents," and offers a 10% off
after the first year. They cover homes in the U.S.
They have a $2 monthly fee. Rate is $2.47 per minute for calls made
between 2 pm and 10 pm, Monday-Friday. For calls made between 10 pm and 2
pm Monday-Friday, or on Saturday and Sunday, rate is $1.45.
Rate is .97 per minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They only handle
international calls, therefore you can select another company for your
state to state calls. They also have a special program for collect calls
from Samoa called "Passport Calling," with a current rate of $1.76/min.
Carolina currently uses this company and finds that the only disadvantage
is that sometimes their circuits are busy, and that combined with busy
circuits in Samoa can be annoying. She feels like the benefits of the
lower rates outweigh the disadvantages.
SIBLINGS
FAMILY SUPPORT
Dear Parents,
MY SAMOAN EXPERIENCE, by Jose
Jose just returned from visiting Samoa
UTILIZING THE PARENT REFERRAL PROGRAM
by Glenda, parent of a boy in Samoa
#1
April 15, 1996#2
May 15, 1996#3
June/July 1996#4
August 15, 1996#5
September 20, 1996#6
October 20, 1996